Wallflower

I have always struggled with the need for people to like me. I didn't necessarily want them to all call me friend, but I wanted them to like who I am. I don't remember a time when I didn't have that desire. What also comes with this is a desire to be understood, for my passions to matter to other people. When all of this is put together, it is easy to see why social media can be so toxic to someone like me. You think about your list of friends before you share links, concerned for who might be offended. You wonder if the same people who "like" cute pictures of your kids care if children are dying hourly from unclean water. You overthink everything you type, wondering if it will be misunderstood or if anybody outside a very small circle even cares.

The phrase "sphere of influence" has been rolling around in my brain a lot over the past month or so. Just the idea that there was supposed to be a group of individuals who are influenced by me. The idea has made me stumble a few times even in areas where I strongly feel called. I don't blame the small size of this group on anyone but myself. Wallflowers cannot try to blend in one moment and then cry about the injustice of not being noticed the next. Well, I guess they can, but the idea is ridiculous. And uncomfortable, because it means that if I am obedient, I stop trying to blend. If I am obedient, I stop trying to make everyone like me, and do what God tells me to do. If I am obedient, I stop questioning if anyone else even cares, and I present God's heart, despite my discomfort. If I am obedient, I serve God, and not people.