Seeking

Last night, there was an urgent search for a missing, no more than 5-inch, stuffed orange cat. Nothing else would satisfy. We all search the usual hiding places for "cuddlies", pet hammock, toy box, under dresser and beds and without luck. Much loved toys were tossed aside to look for this little kitten that had obviously been neglected long enough to go completely missing. Finally, we insisted that it was bedtime and promised to resume the search this morning.

Well if you know this little five-year-old at all, you will not be surprised that she had me out looking in a rather cold car at 7:00 this morning. And on the porch. And through a bag of confiscated toys after a failed room cleaning. Again, we had no luck. Now she is ordering that the search party be expanded to Meme's house.

I am irritated by this, but I'm also envious of her persistence. I don't know that I am this determined to make ANYTHING happen. At all. I give up far too easily. If something seems difficult, I often decide to just let it go. Actually, I don't actively decide at all. I just decide to wait until it seems a little easier, and, because life never gets any easier, I just never follow through. This is sometimes harmless enough. I can't get my ipod to sync right, so I just don't try for a while until I idly mention it to my handy IT guy/loving husband, and it's working in less than five minutes. Good nutrition is difficult when it is only a priority to you, so I decide to just eat what everyone else eats for a while. And weeks stretch into months and weight comes back. I don't feel like people respond to things that are on my heart, so I just slowly start backing off, just until I find a better way. I wonder if the better way will come. I send an email to a local organization asking for volunteer opportunities and get no reply. And I never take another step to follow through. I find praying difficult and God a little more distant, so I take another step back. Just to wait. To stop seeking. I call it a break, but if I'm honest, it more closely resembles giving up.

This week, I plan on taking a few of these things and borrowing a page from my little girl's handbook. I'm going let go of some of the passiveness that is such an ingrained part of my personality that I may have to fight against it for the rest of my life. I will seek and search for the answers I need.

And no, we still haven't found that dumb cat. But the day is just beginning, and there are plenty of places to search still.